Occult Garden Parties

"Welcome to Cooking with Crowley. I am Uncle Al. I am brilliant. You're not. Today, we will be cooking Blackened Dogfish. My assistant today is Timmie!" Timmie waves to the studio audience. Timmie is wearing an eye-patch over one eye, the result of a recent encounter with the New Egyptian Astronaut Services. The studio audience erupts in applause which makes Timmie wave more. "Here we have our dogfish, fresh from the banks of the Nile. Crowley, how do you get fresh dogfish? Answer: My claim and grace. I am charming and sexy, and you're not. That and the customs official said that she would let me have the fish if I would put my wand away." The audience erupts in applause. It is only natural for the audience to applaud the master chef's great wit. The sign held up by the stage hand--"Applaud, or he will beat me"--has nothing to do with the cheering. Timmie asks something. Exactly what is unclear, for Timmie has an accent and has started ...

No substitutes allowed Overheard at the local Arkham’s Cows Sheds & Knights the day before the Great Squid Rain of ’59: “Getting the virgin papyrus is not a problem. It is the authentic Old Kingdom scribe that is going to cost you. I have one in the back, but his Quail reed keeping getting stuck. It has gotten so bad that the monkeys have given up trying to use him to hack out random fake Shakespeare quotes. You can’t really use him for much—not even forging letters from the prophet Enoch. Still I can let you rent him for a hundred sickles a day, plus all the bread, beer, and onions he consumes. Inks will be extra. I am quite sure that the Black Pharaoh won’t notice the difference.” Look--I can get an entire story on the back of a book jacket.